:: *wOw* Blu Cantrell ::
You say you love, say you love me
But you're never there for me, yeah, mmm...hmm...
You'll be cryin', slowly dyin'
When I decide to leave, oh, oh
All we do is make up
Then break up
Why don't we wake up
And see
When love hurts
It won't work
Maybe we need some time alone
We need to let it breathe
Breathe
Breathe
Breathe
**
BEING AFRAID GETS YOU NO WHERE IN LIFE � I have a bad habit of looking at my hands waiting for them to do something about the current situation I�m in. Or starring in a mirror waiting for it to speak back to me and tell me I need to do something to stop the hurt. But this particular day I looked in the mirror and actually saw it. The �it� was pain � and the bags under my eyes from endless nights of crying. People have noticed that I don�t smile anymore. Not one of my genuine happy to see another day smiles. Now � I smirk. Turn up the corners of my mouth and try to exist as if nothing is wrong. And what makes it so bad is that it�s not just the fucked up shit im in with Taylor � the majority is just me � and dealing with getting my life back. In every aspect I know where I went wrong. I hate to ask God why but it�s hard to understand what I�m doing wrong. My best friend was like I need to get my ass back to Virginia and regroup and bounce back. Yeah � maybe that�s it�
*
*sigh* Do you ever wonder why God has chosen certain people to be apart of your life? I have seasonal friends and relationships. I mean it�s like someone can be in my life and everything can be fine and then one day � out the blue they have done something or I have done something to change the direction of the friendship or relationship. Especially relationships. I don�t want to go into too many details about the relationship between Taylor and I. Well come to think of it every time something goes wrong the internet is the 1st to know about it thru her writings and mines. Might as well update you on the shit right? To tell you the absolute truth I still don�t know what the actual problem is. It�s like every time I call she has something better to do than talk to me. And you know I don�t play second fiddle to anything right � but there was a time when I came 1st in her life. There was a time when she didn't just talk to me any kind of way. There was a time when I actually felt like I was in a relationship and not an issue. There was a time when she would say things like:
�I mean I may play around a lot but my love for Tasha is real! And Imma do whatever it takes to keep her with me...Happy!�
**
�I Love her, as she would say, "more than air" there is no doubt in my mind that she is what I need in my life, I Love her entirely too much to let the tough times destroy us...I refuse. And I'm not letting go! In the words of Wayne Wonder..."Never letting Go"
I am going to solve my problem...I think it is something that I need to search for and find within myself...but what ever it is...it's not going to destroy my happiness...
Tasha I Love You and come Jan we will be much closer and able to have those conversations we need to have...I apologize for any trouble I may have been...if any...and for those days when we have fussed and you have cried...I hate that...but it's something that happens...I Love You and I miss you...
**
I love you Tasha and I don't know what I have to do to make this better but...God is going to make it happen...maybe you are tired of me...maybe I'm not enough for you...maybe we want too much to happen too fast...i don't know...all I know is my love for you is stronger than my bones...and if You was to leave me my world would be smashed...I don't know what I would be without you...you have made me what I am today and now it's like you are so distant to me...You say I am distant and in a way I am, but only because I am in search of my inner being...I'm lost within myself...
*
At that point in our relationship I believed the things she said. And I knew for a fact we would make it. And things would eventually be okay. And I would write entries like Sweet Surrender. Or even when I wrote entries like this. And just to let her know I knew what she was goin thru I wrote this. But now I just don�t know WHAT to do. It�s like whatever to her with everything. Like she can talk to me any kind of way and think it�s cute. Well if that�s the way she wants it to be then � that�s the way it will have to be. It was her call and this is what she decided. Pride will get you a lot of things you don�t want and cause you more drama than intended. No question in my mind that she has stopped loving me. Never that � just a matter of whether she wants to be in this relationship or not. Either way � honestly � I�m fine. Time will heal all wounds and like Sade said � �love is stronger than pride�.
...:: the end ::..
