So this entry is dedicated solely to her (even though I said I wasnt going to discuss our relationship on dland, I figured i'd give yall a taste of what its like to be with her). Everyone who reads this diary knows how much stress and heartache i went thur with Tara. Not to defame her in any way, it was just a trying relationship that I just couldn't handle. I wanted and needed for too much. I just didnt feel like I was appreciated in my relationship with Tara. I loved her. However I dont think that was enough to keep what we had. At the time we broke up I felt as if I was having the worst of fucking luck when it came to relationships. Like no matter what I did or what I said I couldnt keep a strong relationship going. It made me take a serious look at myself. There couldnt possibly be THAT much wrong with the people I was dating. And then that's when I realize that I was doing everything I could to make the relationships work but in the midst I was forgetting to love and be there for myself. I focused so intently on making my other happy and just making myself content (bad idea for all those who are thinking that's the way to go).
So then I meet Ashley and I'm determined not to be the same fool twice. I'm real with her. I tell her I want to be happy and I want to make her happy. I want what we have to be built on the strongest of foundations. I enjoy our friendship first and then I lavish in our relationship. We talk everyday and not once has our conversations been forced. I feel like she's known me my entire life. We clicked on so many levels that at first I was scared of what was happening. Then I was like well if it's ment to be, it's going to be. I cant stop fate. Right now I can honestly say I dont have shit to offer Ashley. Im broke, right now I don't have my OWN place, I dont have my car (which reminds me I have to call my grandfather)... but I can give her my all. I can be there for her at 4 in the morning when she's got shit on her mind. I can be that shoulder when she needs it. Or that ear when she needs it. And she appreciates me. Not for what I can give her but for who I am. I've never felt this way before. I've never felt like the only thing that mattered was that I was around. Damn it feels good. This is taken from her blackplanet page.
I want a secure and stable foundation of friendship and trust leaving no room for deception. Whether you are going to be my friend or my lover I need 100%. If I am willing to invest 110% into you, you owe me at least 100% of you. I want to be able to call you anytime. And vent. Or laugh. Or cry. And know that you`re there. You don`t have to promise to say anything profound. Just listen. Some nights when my bed feels just a little too big, a little too empty and a little too cold, I want to be able to call you and say "Baby, come lay with me." And know that you`ll be there whenever I need you to be. It doesn`t have to be sexual. I`m content just lying with you in my arms, listening to you breath. It makes me feel important, like I`m keeping you safe. When I`m talking to you I need your full attention . And I want to feel as though there is nothing else going on in your world. I want you to look in my eyes and be able to see into the depths of my heart and soul. Laugh at my jokes even when they are a little too cheesy. Yeah I`m a stud. And you can call me ya "man." But don`t get so caught up in the role playing that you fail to acknowledge the truth. Understand that beneath my baggy pants, the Timbos, and the wife beaters, I`m still a woman. I still think and feel like you. When I cry, recognize my tears as a sign of my humanity. Don`t disregard them as a weakness. Call me just to let me know I`m on your mind. Don`t neglect to tell me you love me. Even when you know that I know, sometimes I still need to hear it. Above all, appreciate me. Don`t take me for granted under the assumption that I`ll always be there. I might not be.
It was like she just came out of no where and made everything to make sense. It was like I finally found someone out there that didn't just want a piece of ass.
The army is always looking for a few good men- Hell I`m tryna find just ONE GOOD WOMAN!!! A woman that knows who she is and is eager to know me- all of me. I woman that knows where I`m at, encourages my final destinations, and understands and appreciates the struggles that I have been through to make me the WOMAN that I am. Lord knows I understand THAT! I need a woman not so into herself and in love with herself that she can`t even begin to really love me. I need a secure and stable foundation of friendship and trust. All relationships are founded on trust. Without it, the relationship is false. I need a woman that appreciates honesty, loyality, and the little things I`ll do to make her happy. I need a woman that is secure in herself and our bond. A woman that`s real.
*sigh* So... this is what it feels like ...
Start to carefully contemplate
Just really how deep is this thing I have for you
It's wearing on my heart
And from the start you know I tried,
steadily denied
Friendship turn to love
I know you probably think that I'm so strange -
Stuttering on every word when you look my way, why?
And maybe it's all in my mind
But when we hugged goodbye I had butterflies
I just died (yeah yeah yeah)
I just died in your arms tonight
Don't want nobody to bring me back to life
(I just died in your arms tonight, hey)
I just died in your arms
I just died in your arms tonight, tonight
Your finger touched my lips
As I tried to explain maybe why you
and I should hide from such a love affair
My friends think that I'm so insane
To fight this feeling
But my life's at stake
Your embrace, thoughts won't erase
Every now a minute of the day I wait and hope and pray
That you might stay
And now you're moving oh so closely
Killing me so softly, so softly
I just died
I just died in your arms tonight
Don't want nobody to bring me back to life
(I just died in your arms tonight, hey)
I just died in your arms
I just died in your arms tonight, tonight
I just died in your arms tonight
Don't want nobody to bring me back to life
(I just died in your arms tonight, hey)
I just died in your arms
I just died in your arms tonight, tonight
CiaO Peeps
