She's so right. I will admit that I am angry. I do have an anger management problem that stems back from when I was around 10 or 11 years old I shall say. It's a slow and gradual process of letting go of all the anger that I have bottled up inside of me. Ashley is the only girl I have met willing to take this path with me and not just tell me I need to do it and nothing more. She is everything to and for me. I don't understand why she feels the need to be a caregiver and a provider right now. I know she can't be those things right now but like I have constantly stated I am just as happy with her just being LeY. She's worried about going back to school and if yall only knew how excellent she is of a student you would understand why I want her to continue with her education. I don't have the ability to go back to school right now and I don't want her to fall into the same category as I am. She has too much going for herself. She's had to raise herself for so long and then she put herself thru college ... such actions are way beyond commendable. And she's such a role model for Lauren. I know if I still had Iyana the two of them would be inseparable. Almost joined at the hip. *sigh* I just sometimes feel as if I can't deal with much of anything anymore. And it worries me. I feel like sometimes I just can't control it all and I'll buckle under all the hostility and anger and the stress. There are things in my past that I still haven't dealt with. Don't ask me why I'm holding on to them?

Right now everything is so chaotic. And I don't feel as if I'm taking away from that chaos. You would think it would be easier to express negative feelings but I guess explaining any kind of feeling is difficult in its own way. It hurts me to read that she doubts that our love can be as strong as it is. It hurts me to see that she in a way doubts our future. I have never had anyone that didn't want me to put them before me. I have always felt the need to do as such. I don't know how to not "sacrafice my own happiness". I don't know how to think about me 1st. I feel as if that's selfish of me. When I began my relationship with Ashley I knew exactly what I wanted at the time. I knew what was best for me and I knew what wasn't good to and for me. I felt and if it never mattered what I liked to do. It never mattered what my talents were (hell to this day I still feel as if I don't have any) and for the most part I feel like I have let my wounds heal. Some of them are so deep I don't think they ever will heal.

But ... I feel drained. With everything. I feel like I lost myself somewhere along the way. I feel like a complicated story with no punctuation ... just long lines of meaningless words. It's hard to come to terms with feelings like that. And I have a strong support system that consist of just LeY. And I try not to pressure her and depend on her but in all honestly I do. I feel like she's the only person I have in my corner. Fighting with me for my sanity ... cheering me on ... loving me ... supporting me ... being there for me ... helping me be there for myself ... And like she said sometimes we can't always measure on a 50/50 scale. Sometimes I don't have that 50 to give ... these past few weeks have been those times ...