Dear Diary,

I just finished eating a bag of Cape Cod sea salt and vinegar potato chips and a warm orange soda I had from this morning. It�s not agreeing with my stomach, not at all. I�m tired of looking at this blank white screen trying to think of something to write about. Instead of just writing about how I feel. I find myself saying that I hate my life a lot in the past few months. I guess although I don�t like certain aspects of my life, I should always cherish it. Life is so cruel sometimes though. My Soror gave birth last night, and in an instant, it was taken from her. Her child lived for an hour. And then, just like that, she was gone. I cried for my Soror. I cried for my friend. I cried for her and her wife, who�ll never know what their little girl will be like. It hurts like hell to know there are people out there that don�t deserve the precious gift of children and those who have their gifts taken from them. It�s so hard not to cuss and scream and ask why. Every time I think about it tears stream down my face. It�s so saddening. I know there are other things I�m upset and sad about but hearing news like that so early in the morning. Then to receive and email about a fucking c.d. case I guess just really put me over the edge.

I start school in five weeks. I guess I should be more excited than I am but truth of the matter is I�m a nervous wreck. I feel so old. I feel like I wouldn�t fit in on a college campus anymore. Like these young kids (17 and 18 years old) will make fun of me. How ridiculous that may sound, it�s still the way I feel. For instance, I was at NCSU yesterday walking from the library to pick ley up from class. I felt as if everyone was watching me and knew for sure that I wasn�t a student there. Just some imposter with a book bag. Yes this is really how my brain operates. I don�t have time to be excited about school. Between being worried about paying out of pocket for school, being nervous about the whole �I�m too old thing�, and stressing about where I�m going to lay my head, excitement, my friends, has taken a back seat to everything.

Speaking of where I�m going to lay my head� I�m looking for another apartment. This experience has long turned down the road leading straight to hell. I hate apartment hunting. Everything just seems so small. But anyway� I don�t really want to get into too many details about it now. More to come real soon. I have to get back to work. I�ll come back later.

CiaO
T