... sigh... You say that you understand and in some aspects I know you do ... but there are things ... feelings that I have that sometimes you just wont get. It's not that i'm making it hard ... right now it IS hard. I'm not doing anything. You have to understand that when all else fails you have a safety net ... you have places to go ... I on the other hand don't. Yes it does seem like i'm "taking my frustrations and angers out on you" but that's only because you happen to be there when things go wrong. Now maybe that's a good thing and maybe it's not. And yes it might seem as if i'm pushing you away ... but that's only because I don't want to disappoint another person that I love and adore. When I get angry it seems like you ... almost like you distance yourself. Like when we were in the car at Lake Johnson ... and you came back to put your fishing rod in the trunk ... when we were driving to the library you seemed as if you had an attitude. More than likely yes it was because of the heat but yet and still that was NOT the right time ... *smh* there are just some things about me no one seems to get and that's cool with me you know ... when I get in one of my funks ... just let me be ... just let me sulk and kick and scream for a few hours ... I don't know how else to deal with whats going on in my head ... i'll kill someone if I don't get all that out. It's not that I don't want you to help me and that I don't appreciate your optimism ... it's not that I don't want you to be there for me because without you in my life God knows WHERE I would be right now ... I love you ... I need you ... you know that ... I know that ... EVERYONE knows it ... I wanna be there for YOU and provide for YOU ... I want to be everything you need ... and I feel like i'm not living up to that expectation ... and it hurts. Really bad. I have never had anyone as proud of me as you are and I feel like i'm letting you down. *sigh* I'm sorry about earlier I really am but I was upset. Your the best thing that has happened in my life in a while ... I don't know what else there is left for me to say ... I hope you stick with me thur this all ... again ... I Love You


~me~