I love my sorors. Everytime I think about how much they believe in me and the visions I have about things, it just makes me feel SO good about myself. Which is something that lately, doesn't happen too often. I feel like in all honesty... sometimes they love and believe in me more than I believe in and love myself. Which is scary. I used to be so sure of myself when it came to things. I've never loved myself like I should but I used to like myself. That's questionable at this momment. I used to fight for things I felt were being unjustly done to me. Now, like a full grown punk I bow out and let the "enemy" win. I used to be able to defend myself without getting emotional. I used to be able to hide my sadness and go on thru the day with not a worry in the world. I wouldn't let things bother me. I'd just secretely hold a grudge until I got over it eventually. Granted I never forgot about it... but I got over it. Now, it shows everywhere on my body. In the slump of my shoulders, in the redness of my eyes, in the corner of my frown. It slows me fron getting out the bed in the morning. It keeps me from being focused on what I do at work. I never used to cry. Call me hard, insensitive, a sociopath, whatever it might have been... I was strong. I would shrug and just say "fuck it". Now... I can't stop the tears. They're constant. And I hate it. I feel like when I cry it lets the "enemy" think that they've won, and I've given them the one-up on me. It's going to take me a long time to gain my stregnth back. I have to flip that "switch" off again and not allow myself to feel again. Sometimes it's the only protection mechanism that will last you forever. I have to say, I must have been one very bad person, because I seriously feel like God is punishing me. Punishing me for "shacking up" and being a lesbian. I'm being punished because I'm a lesbian. That's got to be what it is. There cannot be any other feasible reason. According to that asshole on Wife Swap, I need to get "right" with the Lord and repent for my evil sinful ways. Maybe I need to go to church more. Maybe I need to start praying again. Maybe I have totally lost focus of what really matters. Mary Mary said it best with their song "So Close"...
That's keeping you away from him
Making you believe what you've done
He won't forgive
Telling you that you're just too far
From him
But there is something he wants you
To know
That there's no road that you can travel to
A place that's too far
He's so close he can hear you breathing
He's so near he can wipe your tears
Mend your heart, he knows it's
Been broken
He's standing with his arms wide open
For so long he's been waiting,
Everyday anticipating
For you to realize that he's so close to you
Everybody knows sometimes we all
Make mistakes
And when you try do what's right,
Wrong gets in the way
You feel you're just a failure and you
Can't forgive yourself
But God can make it better if you only
Ask for help
There's no road that you can travel
To a place that's too far.
Yeah that's what I need. Maybe I'll go to church on Sunday. Sit in the back like the Jezebel I am (joking). I really think God is trying to get my attention. Don't get me wrong, by no means am I a religious freak... but I do believe in God and I do believe he'll give you several kicks in the ass if you get too ahead of yourself. Well, it's taken me almost an hour and a half to write this... so I have to get back to work. I probably won't be back today. It's friday... and I'm not EVEN looking forward to the weekend. Let alone Monday. *sigh* I'll catch everyone on the flip side. I'm leaving you all with an email that my aunt sent to me this morning. It's pretty powerful.
Important Recall Notice:
Regardless of make or year, all units known as "human beings" are being recalled by the Manufacturer. This is due to a malfunction in the original prototype units code named "Adam" and "Eve" resulting in the reproduction of the same defect in all subsequent units. This defect is technically termed, "Serious Internal Non-morality," but more commonly known as "SIN."
Some of the symptoms of the SIN defect:
[A] Loss of direction
[B] Lack of peace and joy
[C] Depression
[D] Foul vocal emissions
[E] Selfishness
[F] Ingratitude
[G] Fearfulness
[H] Rebellion
[I] Jealousy
The Manufacturer is providing factory authorized repair service free of charge to correct the SIN defect. The Repair Technician, Jesus Christ, has most generously offered to bear the entire burden of the staggering cost of these repairs.
To repeat, there is no fee required. The number to call for repair in all areas is: P-R-A-Y-E-R.
Once connected please upload the burden of SIN through the REPENTANCE procedure. Next, download ATONEMENT from the Repair Technician, Christ, into the heart component of the human unit.
No matter how big or small the SIN defect is, Christ will replace it with:
[A] Love
[B] Joy
[C] Peace
[D] Kindness
[E] Goodness
[F] Faithfulness
[G] Gentleness
[H] Patience
[I] Self-control
Please see the operating manual, HOLY BIBLE, for further details on the use of these fixes.
As an added upgrade, the Manufacturer has made available to all repaired units a facility enabling direct monitoring and assistance from the resident Maintenance Technician, the Holy Ghost. Repaired units need only make Him welcome and He will take up residence on the premises.
WARNING: Continuing to operate a human being unit without corrections voids the Manufacturer's warranty, exposing the unit to dangers and problems too numerous to list, and will ultimately result in the human unit being incinerated. Thank you for your immediate attention. Please assist by notifying others of this important recall notice.
