I thought about writing something this morning but thought about it again. And opted to pass. I've been in this funky mood that started yesterday evening. I don't know why it's so hard for me to keep my damn house clean. Especially my room. Jesus. I hate going in there. It's shit everywhere. I'm sure I'd get a serious ass whopping from my grandmother if she saw my room the way it is. *thinking* Fuck that I'm grown. She don't like it she can go to her own damn house. And we're walking ...
I don't know why in the hell I'm so excited about going to see Dr. E this afternoon. I feel as if I'm going out of my mind though. My mood swings are terrible and my tolerance levels are below normal. Which I didn't think could be possible. Last night while sitting and watching television in my living room for the 1st time in a LONG time, I had this sudden urge to really break down and cry. I was so overcome with this feeling of sadness. And the I was angry. Not like rage anger but like ... just being in that house and seeing how incredulously junky my house was made me upset. I kept thinking about being overdrawn on my back account because I had to take out eighty bucks to pay my wife beating, mullet having "slum"lord for the rest of December's rent. Then I kept thinking about waking up one morning with no water because I can't afford to fucking pay Raleigh Public Utilities over two hundred dollars for something (water) that's supposed to be free. Then with my car acting up yesterday, it was seriously enough to make a bitch wanna snap. Going to Atlanta for the Kappa Ball on New Years is seriously up in the air right now. It kind of upsets me that my plans are always fucked up. I mean damn 1st it was my plans to go home trashed and now my plans to the ball. Pfffft I guess that's a part of being an adult. But gotdamn! Sometimes I feel like shouting to the Heavens "CUT ME A FUCKING DEAL PLEASE!" But I'm guessing it won't work. I dunno. I also have an appointment with Jenn (my therapist) tonight at six and I swear I wish I didn't because I just want to go home and go to sleep after I come from Dr. E's office. I hate traffic on Six Forks Road at rush hour. So since I feel as if I'm rambling now I'm going to end this. I probably won't post again today but hell who knows ...
