You can't even begin to imagine how I'm feeling today. I'm working on maybe two and a half hours of sleep. I could not go to sleep last night. I tossed and turned all night. I cried and I cried and well I cried some more. I don't feel safe here anymore and I'm very anxious to get out of North Carolina. Nothing good has come out of ever being down here. Maybe I just need a change. I long to go home. I miss my mother like you couldn't imagine. I think she's sicker than what she is having me to believe. I think it's worse but she knows that I'm already stressed out and she doesn't want to tell me. I don't know ... I feel like she's not going to make it to see 50. I don't know what I'd do without my mother. I know we don't have the best of relationships but she's all I have. When everyone else has abandoned me I know (well I hope) she'll always be there. I've caused her a lot of heartache and pain over my twenty two years of living. I think I'm going to write her an email later on today. *shrugs* I don't know... I�m so angry. I�m mad at the world right now. I�ve got so much anger in me that I don�t know what to do it and I�m honestly a walking time bomb and that�s seriously not healthy. For me or for anyone who just happens to be in my path at that particular moment. *smh* Poor Ashley. Like sometimes I wish we didn�t live together so she didn�t have to get the short end of the stick, you know. Sometimes she does shit and I�ll yell at her but most of the time I�m just pissed and it�s really nothing she can say that�ll make the situation better. Sometimes she says something that I really need to hear and although I don�t acknowledge it at that moment I�ll be thinking about what she�s said all day. And then there are other times � man � I�ll have to look at her like she has grown another head. Jesus. I don�t know man � with my moms being sick and my car being vandalized I feel vulnerable as hell. But I don�t feel like I can turn to her (sometimes � NOT all the time). She makes me feel like � okay you can pissed and angry for a few hours but not all day. Like yesterday � I don�t want to drive my car EVER again. I don�t feel comfortable in it. Every time I look at it, I cringe. Frankly I didn�t want to be in that vehicle after knowing someone I don�t know was in it. Mind you I haven�t even cleaned out the glass and the ENTIRE passenger front window is busted out. When I leave in the morning to go to work its MAYBE 30 degrees. I asked Ashley would she take me to work in her mother�s car. MAYBE I did have a slight snotty tone in my voice but I was still pissed about my car and worried about my mother (which I hadn�t told her about yet). She then � fixes her mouth to say �aren�t you going to drive your car?� WHAT?! Are you serious? The car that has glass everywhere in it? The car that has fingerprint dust in it and on it? The car that some cocksucking mothafuckas broke into to get a fucking lousy pissy ass radio? The car that when I look at the shit my stomach is instantly bothered? Is that the car you�re talking about?!?!??!?!?! I became INSTANTLY angry and yes I�ll admit I did scream at her. But what pissed me off even more was the fact that she just started ignoring me. I feel as if slapping me in my damn face is better than ignoring me. When someone ignores me it says to me that I don�t give a fuck about what you�re saying or how you�re feeling. She was just sitting there flipping the channels and I snatched the remote control out of her hand and threw it at the wall above where our television is sitting. Well � that was a BAD idea. There was a cup sitting on top of the satellite receiver and when I threw the remote it bounce off the cup as well and spilled the contents of the cup into the satellite box. Needless to say that didn�t go over well. So instead of argue ALLLLLLLLL night I admitted I was in the wrong, apologized, gave her a hug and for the rest of the night I was kind. Until it was time to really go to bed. I don�t feel safe in that house, in that area and to tell you the truth anywhere in this fucking state. I tossed and turned and cried all � ALL night. I wallowed in my own sorry and anger and now I�m tired as shit. I don�t want to go back to that house (I DARE not call that place home) but yet I don�t have anywhere to go. And even if I DID have someplace to go �.*whispers* how in the fuck would I get there??????? *sigh* Life�s a fucking bitch I�ll tell you �

I emailed my Soror out in California earlier and told her that I�ve decided that I�m going out there for my 23rd birthday in September. Who knows maybe when I get out there someone will offer me a job and a free apartment and say hey we want YOU to stay out here and you know what. The next thing I�m doing is sending for my shit. I�ll be OUT! Man � I know shit like that NEVER happens in reality but hell it sounds nice doesn�t it. But I�m so excited about going out there and visiting Cali. I have friends and family out there and it�ll be refreshing to see them. I know it�s not until September but it gives me something to look forward to. Well I�ve been writing this entry in word since a little after I got to work this morning. I�ve stopped so many times it�s ridiculous. I called my therapist and told her what�s going on. I think I�m going to go back to my psychiatrist, Dr. Eaton and get a Rx for some sleeping pills and start my Wellbutrin-xL back. I should have never stopped it to begin with. I�m going to get me some Tylenol-Pm�s to hold me over until I can get an appointment with Dr. Eaton � I know I�m not going to be able to sleep with out it. I was up for what seemed like for-fucking-ever last night. *sigh* Anyway I�ll holla at yall later.

One.Love