I don't confess to knowing everything about being in a relationship. Nor do I confess to knowing everything about keeping a relationship worry and stress free (if there ever was such a thing). I've been a hard person to deal with, love, be with for the past few days. I can admit that. I haven't been the best girlfriend/lover/down ass chic/right hand man/personal cheerleader that I try to be. LeY and I have been on this ... this crazy emotional rollercoaster ride with both of us being scared of heights. Have you ever had this feeling of having it all together one minute and then ... slowly things start to come undone? Mostly on my behalf I guess. I've been PMSing like hell for the past four days and when I say I've been Queen Bitch ... please believe me. But it's not only that ... it's other things ... situations that I care not to discuss with the entire world. Things that I really don't care to much to discuss with LeY. *sigh* I hate that she feels as if I always turn her into my enemy. I hate that she thinks that I don't appreciate the slow and gradual improvements that have been made within the past few weeks. I don't handle stress and pressure very well. I hate it. I don't like dealing with it. But I'm grown now and I understand that there are some things that I am going to have to deal with.

I do believe though that it is harder to keep a stable and focused relationship rather than keeping a fucked up, who cares relationship. It's more work and more determination. It takes swallowing of pride and letting things go and not stressing the little things where as a non chalant i don't give a fuck attitude is all you need to have a bad relationship. I care about her ... I want to know the things that I do to make her tick ... and the things that I do to brigten her day. I don't want her always pissed off at me like things have been recently. I don't want her to feel as if her "partner" wants to throw her cards on the table. I guess there is no such thing as a perfect and all out fabulously terrific, non problematic, stress free relationship but I wanted us to be as close to it as possible. The first six months of a relationship are crucial to how the rest of the relationship pans out. But then again I'm no expert on relationships.

I have never stated that I "regret" my relationship. And I never said that was the relationship itself worth it. Yes I did question was it all ... the disappointing myself and her, the chaos, the constant worries ... worth it. Now I realize that YES ... for her love and support it IS all worth it. But ... I've never been one that has been good with my words and it's hard for me to try to explain myself and my feelings to LeY. It's like everytime I try I get so confused and mixed up and things come out wrong. And as soon as they're out of my mouth she has something to say about it.

But one thing she said that I would have to totally agree with is that "things are becoming more complicated than they have to be". Her cat was NOT an issue until she felt as if I was clowning her for being so wrapped up into it. Yes I don't understand and I probably never will but I wasn't making fun of her. This fucking cat has caused so much fucking stress for ME since I meet the damn thing. Like my feelings were so hurt and I was so mad at her that I couldn't think straight early this morning. At five o'damn clock in the morning this fucking cat is crying and making all this commotion and trying to get out of the carry case that she has her in. She gets up and takes him out and he quiets down. I was so angry at this cat that my chest got so tight. Naturally being that I have asthma I started coughing to atleast try to loosen up the tightness in my chest. Brenda, who's asleep ALL the way down the hall gets up and ask me if I'm okay. Ashley, who is laying right beside me says nothing. I know she's up because her fucking cat is laying between us and she's stroking his fur. I was LIVID. I wanted her and that cat out of my fucking sight. I couldn't find my inhaler and I was becoming more and more angry. Then this morning on our way to Raleigh she ask me am I still mad at her ... I'm not becuase hell I got what atleast 5 hours of interupted sleep so I'm pretty much rested. But yes I was hurt by that ... just like I'm hurt at the fact that for the last three nights I have went to sleep angry and woke up angry ... just like I'm hurt at the fact that I haven't herd my girlfriend tell me "I love you" or "goodnight" or any of the little sweet nothings that she usually does.

So yeah in a way I feel like our relationship is changing and I want things back ... like they used to be. I know what I want ... and I know what I need ... and I know what I crave ... her. Ashley, LeY, Poetic, my wife, my girlfriend ... my bridge over the troubled water ...