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�I said tonight I was just going to chill. Take a seat on my fluffy chair that my grandmother dares not throw away and just spend some time with me. I went out earlier and rented Boys Don�t Cry. *My heaven sent angel* had been raving about it since it has been coming on cable. �What the heck?� I said when I saw it was available at Movie Gallery. I got home and cleaned for a bit and said I was goin to relax myself. I�ve been under a lot of pressure lately and it�s about time I chill out! I went to Food Lion and bought some Utz Salt and Pepper Potato Chips (which I crave like sex now!) and one of those new upside down 7up soda�s and sat in my chair and turned the television on. I wasn�t going to worry about writing, this computer, music, school, family, *my heaven sent angel* (I know that�s kind of hard to believe), or anyone else. I was goin to have a fun night.

�So� I turned on the television and sat down. My grandfather is in the back room asleep. Grandma is conversing on the telephone. No one is paying any attention to me. Good, I can be left alone. All day I have been reading and writing with interruptions. I can finally sit and actually hear my thoughts. The copy of the four books I am currently reading (The Craft of Revision by Donald M. Murray; Prose and Poetry: Latin 3&4 Years by Freundlich ; Everyday Grammar and Vocabulary by Leonard Rosen; and The Hit Parade: A Workbook by The Princeton Review) sat on the coffee table. So I�m watching television and all of a sudden I feel compelled to pick up my books and read�read until my eyes can�t read anymore. Suddenly I feel stupid� guilty. Suddenly I feel like I have wasted enough time watching this damned idiot box. So I cut the computer on and I write and write and write. At this very moment I feel fine. I�m doing something productive with my time and im learning. It scared me SHITLESS though. So I�m finally comfortable � at the computer � writing about nothing in particular and *my heaven sent angel* calls. She�s a bit intoxicated. We argued. I hung up. She got mad and called back. At that point in time she was no longer *my heaven sent angel* � more like *my hell bound demon*. The pressure of the distance between us is heavy on the both of us. I mean its Saturday � she should be lying up with me � playing name that body part, lol. I ask her does she think im trying to hide my love for her because I haven�t told my family about her and she is still just a �friend� instead the love of my life. She said �yeah in a way� but I can deal with it.� Ouch.

So I say �how bout we discuss this when you�re a lil more sober.�

She says, �How bout we talk about it now?�

Me, �aren�t you around company � go and have fun I will talk to you about it later�

She says, �go head baby!�

Me, �I just feel like im not where im supposed to be right now.�

She says, �Whatchu mean?�

Me, �I�m twenty years old and I have nothing � not a damn thing�

She says, �Nothing like what?�

Me, �I have no car, no education, I work at Food Lion for Christ�s sake�

She says, �So that means no me then?�

*why in the hell must she think that every time there is a problem with me it has to do with US and this relationship? Just asking*

Me, �Can we just talk about it later?�

She says, �My night is fucked up anyway so finish��

*what in the HELL is THAT supposed to mean? I don�t even ask.*

Me, �Baby I will talk to you later� I love you.�

She says, �yeah me too.�

*she�s with Shawn � she tryna be hard � Aiight understood*

Me, �You not gon say it back?!

She says, �Say what Tasha?�

Me, �nothing bye Tara�

*click* Yall know I don�t play that shit and I will hang up on you in a minute. The phone rings and I know it�s her. I answer.

Me, �H�lo?�

She says, �What the fuck was that about?�

Me, �*sigh* Nothing Tara go and have fun and I will talk to you later on tonight. I love you�

She says, �yeah love you too.�

*she slams the phone piece down*

Me, (still holding the phone) �motha fucka!!�

LAWD! Help me to hold out! She will be in Durham in lest than two months. At least then I can drive to slap her ass! SHIT!

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p.s. am I a traitor for signing up for diary-x?