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�I finally decided on my major. And my minor for that matter. What else do I love (besides my *heaven sent angel*) than music and writing. So there you have it. It�s funny because they always tell you that you need to be sure on what you want to major in before you go to college. I dint know. And I didn't know until I got the opportunity to know myself more; to live and to experience different things. Writing keeps me leveled. It allows me to express my self in a form that no other can. Sometimes I get so frustrated because I know what I want to say and I know how to say it but I don�t know how to express it. So I write it and then I understand. My writings are merely thoughts and emotions in black and white. Since I was a little girl all I did was keep a journal, or jot down notes and sayings in various notebooks. It [writing] frees me from the strongholds society has on me. *my heaven sent angel* says I was destined to do something with writing or music. Hehe she knows me so well. I want to write. I want to write about what I�ve been thru. I want to write about what I�ve seen. I want to write about me. I want to write about you. I want to write about then � and now.

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{�later today}

�I feel so empty. At this moment, as I am writing this entry. I feel empty. It hurts so bad I really don�t want to talk about it. However I feel I need to in order to come to terms with it. I miss my wife. I miss my family back home. Especially my little sister L. Yall she is so beautiful. She is a mini me. She has this fiery attitude that comes from only God knows. She shit talks just like me. She is quick to say what she wants just like me. And basically she doesn�t take anything from anyone! I wish I was stable. *sigh* It hurts me so bad not knowing how she is or what has been goin on in her life. I feel like a bad big sister. But it isn�t my fault. But I wonder if she is goin to see it that way? My father deserves the asshole of the year award! I fucking swear. Okay changing the subject before I get hostile, I miss my baby. You might get tired of hearing this but I could care less. Last time I checked this was MY diary. But anyway im just at this point in my life where shit just isn�t coming fast enough. I�m a microwave bitch. I want shit right then and there! For a minute now I have wanted to start dancing. As in stripping yes. I know how it might sound but it�s not as bad as it seems. I mean I work almost forty hours a week and im not breaking three hundred on not one check. That�s major! In one night at this club in Fayetteville I could make almost that much plus more! That�s one fucking night!! {okay I just called *my heaven sent angel* right.}

So I say �Good evening� may I speak to Tara?�

Silence. �Her mother said she�s not accepting any phone calls.�

Okay. �Well can you relay the message that Tasha called?�

Click � can you believe that bullshit. I am so damn tired of her fucking family. I hate them and I don�t want my children to have anything to do with them. Seriously though, they are so fucking rude and obnoxious. Lawd I don�t know what I�m goin to do! But we�ve come too far too give up on love. I try not to stress it, I really do. It gets hard though. Especially with Gemille not being a phone call away. I�m strong though. And that which does not kill me makes me stronger! I will not let the ignorance of her family persuade me from continuously loving her. *sigh* I need a drink �

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f.y.i: the title is latin for things arent always what they seem.