...im sitting here with tears in my eyes listening to Yolanda Adams's In the Midst of it All. They're flowing freely now. It has nothing to do with the gospel song ... my spirit is mending. Im allowing it to heal. My grandmother called me a few minutes ago. She spoke to my mother and she said that she was hurt by the fact that I hadn�t told her I was coming into town.
My grandmother took me back to the fact that I was my mother�s only biological child for nine and a half years. We were a team. Two peas in a pod. We even look EXACTLY alike. The chinky brown eyes ... the beautiful smile ... the natural hair (hers in locs ... mines in a curly fro i've been growing for almost a year now). I have disappointed her ... and in return I have hidden in shame. She expects so much of me and I let her down. So what did I do? I didn't call her for her birthday ... I didn�t email her ... I didn�t make the effort.
We used to talk all the time. She would call me at home and then I would call my grandmother on three-way. And we would have actual conversations. Those times are long gone ... interrupted by secrets, silence, distance, and time.
I blamed a lot of my failures on my mother instead of the real person ... ME. I blamed my bad relationships with everyone on her. I love her like I love being a woman. I love her like I love air. She is the reason I exist today and for her to make me feel guilty about me not communicating with her because SHE HURT ME is uncalled for.
She wants me to come home. I love New York. Really I do. But there is nothing there for me anymore. Tara is in NC, school is in NC, work (even though I hate it) is in NC. So NC is where I want to stay. *sigh*
